This is how long I have avoided writing this blog post. This message that I have felt like the Lord has urged me to write. I have argued. Second-guessed. Refused. Began writing and then promptly stopped.
How can I articulate all that He is doing? Will people understand? Will I share something that is misinterpreted?
These were all fears keeping me in bondange and trying to entangle me again, after I had felt as if the Lord had just cut off the chains and sent me running.
But, it is time. It is time for everyone to know. My life has been wrecked and full of trials this past 7 months, yet beautiful, new, and life-giving. He is a good God, and I can trust His heart and His plan for me.
For the next three weeks, I will be sharing about this process.
Part 1 — Turning in my Resignation
Part 2 – Answering Questions & Skepticism
Part 3 – Moving Forward: A Restored heart, mind, and soul
Many of you will remember from my previous post, “Hidden,” that back in the Fall I was unexpectedly moved into a new position at a new school with new students. My whole world was shaken. As someone who thrives on planning and lists, I do not function well in unplanned, surprising changes; however, I tried to have a positive outlook by trusting in the faithfulness of God. I moved all of my belongings, and set up a classroom that was full of hope and energy and love. Much to my surprise, a few weeks in, I felt as if the Spirit was whispering, “This is not the place for you. This is not my forever plan. If you keep teaching here, it will only be to please authority and others’ expectations. I crushed your idol of planning, comfort, teaching dreams, and an identity of a Special Education teacher by allowing you to move schools. Now, it is time to break the tight, strong chains of people pleasing.” I firmly believed that the way God would plan to mold me and refine me was to urge me to turn in my resignation. Doing this, I would completely counteract every single fiber of who I defined myself to be. Naturally, I am prone to pleasing authority, striving for perfection, and being recognized as fiercely loyal. Turning in my resignation would disappoint authority, show that I have weaknesses/failures, and count me as disloyal to my employer.
I sought counsel from family, mentors, and friends. I eagerly wanted someone… anyone… to tell me what to do. I didn’t want to have to make a decision without affirmation from someone that it was the right move; however, that was not His plan. He wanted me to choose to walk by faith in Him rather than by faith in others or myself. With confusion and support from my husband, I wrote a letter of resignation and handed it on Halloween. It was so incredibly difficult to look people in the face and say that I could not fulfill their expectations for me. I felt as if I was discouraging and abandoning my bosses, coworkers, and students.
Everything in me wanted to take back the letter or my words, but a greater power within me kept urging me forward, one step at a time. I made it a goal to finish well and to remain strong in my decision. I daily fought the battle of people pleasing and identity struggles. On my last day, my husband and sister-in-law traveled to help me move the last of my belongings. It was bittersweet, to leave everything I knew and to step into the unknown. As I closed the old, squeaky door and trekked through the tall grass to my car, I felt a weight lift from my shoulders. This was His plan for me. It was messy and confusing, but it was mine.
Join me next week as I open up about the battle of joy and people-pleasing even after resigning from my job.